Once upon a time there was a Mommy with three children. She was a very nice Mommy, although perhaps a little frazzled sometimes.
One day, the very first day of school holidays before Christmas in fact, the Mommy was shopping for a few things her family would need for Christmas, and she spotted a gingerbread house kit. The Mommy knew that her children would love this gingerbread house kit, and because she loved her children, and also because she knew it would keep them busy for upwards of fifteen whole minutes, she bought the kit and brought it home.
The Mommy made the children wait for 24 whole hours before she let them open up the gingerbread house kit. When they finally were able to open it, they gasped in wonder at all the candy and frosting and gingerbread included in the kit. The Mommy and Daddy also gasped in wonder and hastened to the cupboards to pull out a bit more frosting and a bit more candy so that their children would not start fighting over the small amount included with the kit. The Daddy found some clean, empty syringes the children could use to dribble frosting on the house pieces, because one bag of frosting does not divide well between three children. This was very clever of the Daddy, but it did make the gingerbread-decorating pictures look like Santa was a crack addict.
True to the Mommy’s hopes and predictions, the children spent at least fifteen happy minutes decorating the gingerbread house. The youngest child, a boy, was especially proud of his decorating efforts. He decorated the back and one side of the house, and he used liberal amounts of frosting. VERY liberal amounts of frosting. The middle and oldest child also worked diligently. The oldest child decorated Santa’s sleigh, and used a needle tip from one of the syringes to scratch “Just Married” into the back of the sleigh. Since there was only one gummy Santa included in the kit but two reindeer, one assumes Santa was crashing the reindeer’s honeymoon. Or perhaps Santa’s bride had discovered his crack addiction and had already fled to save herself.
After the walls of the gingerbread house were decorated to everyone’s satisfaction, the Daddy raised the roof, so to speak, using copious amounts of frosting to glue the house in an upright position. This was a complicated operation, requiring the Mommy to hold four different things at once, while simultaneously having an allergic reaction to proximity to gingerbread. The children scurried around like overstimulated mice at this time, knocking into the Mommy and the table and generally creating gingerbread earthquakes that threatened to topple the gingerbread house. Eventually the house was precariously glued into position and the children and the Daddy were sent outside to play while the frosting hardened.
Once the children had gone outside the Mommy went upstairs to gather a load of laundry. She was gone for just ONE MINUTE, but while she was out of sight, the family’s BAD BAD DOG jumped on a chair and LICKED the gingerbread house! He loved that yummy frosting! Fortunately the BAD BAD DOG chose to lick the side of the house decorated by the youngest child, so he ate lots and lots of frosting, but practically no chocolate.
When the children came in from outside, their Mommy told them the bad news. The girls were not too concerned, but the youngest child was very sad. His Mommy helped him make his own miniature house of out of graham crackers. Thank God for bulk packs of graham crackers. The boy dried his tears and insisted his graham cracker house had to be put on display as if it were a real gingerbread house. The Mommy agreed, because what is Christmas without a display of stale pastry and cheap candy, held in place by hardened frosting?
And then everybody ate their weight in candy and the children each ate as much gingerbread as they wanted from the side farthest from the dog saliva – which was approximately half a bite each. And that was the end of the gingerbread house.
The story ends as every story ends – with the Mommy cleaning it all up. The End.