The release of the new Justin Bieber movie has given me ample opportunity to torture my children by talking about my pretend crush on young Master Bieber. My children despise the Biebs. When I’m feeling particularly wicked, I like to talk about how I will marry Justin Bieber and he will become the kids’ new daddy. While Tonka and Creative Cat scream laughing protest, I go on and on about how the kids will have to tell JB they love him and they’ll have to give him big smoochy kisses at bedtime…we can carry on for quite a while in this vein. The good times never stop around this place, I’m telling you.
When I’m not telling the kids that the Biebs is my fiance, I explain how he’s probably related to us. This one, at least, has a teeny-tiny nugget of truth behind it, and my Uncle Tio has kindly backed me up to enhance my credibility on this. My mother’s family comes from the same town as Justin Bieber. I’m 99 44/100ths % sure he’s not related to us. But it is a small town. And I do have a large extended family. It’s a remote possibility. Good enough reason to torture my children with talk about their long-lost cousin Justin, I think.
I must have really scarred my children’s brains with this talk, because not once has any of them pointed out that these things cannot both be true. Granted, they know I’m not really going to marry a teenage pop star. But you’d think they’d just once point out that I’m threatening to marry my own cousin. That just ain’t right.